The shift from pain to restoration

Linda Wentum at City Gates Church, Ilford, has been running Restored Lives courses for the past 20 years, helping adults navigate the difficult journey of divorce and separation. 

 

How did you get involved with Restored Lives?

In 2002, when my marriage broke down, a friend of mine paid for me to attend the Restored Lives course. Back then, it was known as the ‘Recovery From Divorce and Separation Course’. I initially attended at Holy Trinity Brompton as a participant and then returned as a helper. I had a series of meetings with my pastors at the time, Stephen and Julia Derbyshire, to introduce the course to our church in 2004.

How often do you run the course, and how many people attend?

We run the course once a year, with an average of eight to ten participants. Some years, we have more than ten participants, while in other years, there are about six people. My estimate is that over 200 participants have completed the course at City Gates.

Even now, it’s quite unusual for churches to talk about divorce. What made City Gates Church consider a programme like Restored Lives?

The support of our pastors and the dedication of the facilitators have been crucial. Since 2002, it has been part of the church programme, and people look forward to the course every year.

What has it been like running the course for all these years?

Every year, there is anticipation about whether we will have participants to attend. As facilitators, we have formed a close bond that has endured the ups and downs of life. We pray regularly for each other and care for one another. There is a lot of preparation and hard work that goes into running the course and adhering to the parameters established with Restored Lives.

What advice would you give someone thinking about setting up their own course?

It is a course that is needed in communities, but it also requires volunteers who have a heart for such a ministry. Once the volunteers are in place, it is a rewarding ministry, seeing lives changed for the better.

Why do people volunteer to help run a course like this at City Gates?

All the facilitators on the course have experienced marriage or relationship breakdowns. Out of their pain and experiences, they initially volunteered as helpers and eventually joined the facilitators.

What impact has running Restored Lives at City Gates had on the wider church community in Ilford?

Some participants have taken the course to other parts of the country, and members from other churches in the Redbridge area have joined as participants. Since COVID-19, we run it online, and participants have joined from other parts of the country.

Are there any stories of recovery that have particularly stood out to you in the last 20 years of running the course?

There are many stories of recovery. For example, one gentleman came on the course about ten years ago. He was broken, angry, and in pain. His estranged wife would not allow him to see his two daughters, and he had to go through the family courts to get contact. Though his contact with his children is still difficult, he eventually married again, has two sons, and he and his new wife attend City Gates. Many participants have become members of the church and volunteer faithfully in various capacities.

What has been the hardest thing about running Restored Lives, and how have you and your team navigated through it?

Year by year, preparing for the course and not being sure there will be enough participants to register has been challenging. Prayer has played a crucial role in navigating the running of the course. Every month, the facilitators meet to pray, encourage each other, and bear each other’s burdens. The transition from face-to-face sessions to online during the height of COVID-19 was also challenging for us as individuals and as a team.

What has been the best thing about running Restored Lives at City Gates?

The best thing is witnessing the transformation in the lives of the participants. On the first evening, they often experience negative feelings, but as the weeks go by, these feelings begin to thaw. By the end of the course, participants are in a much better place. The feedback we receive makes all the hard work worthwhile.

In your opinion, what are some common misconceptions people have about the process of recovering from a relationship breakdown, and how does Restored Lives address these misconceptions?

A common misconception is that the effects of what has happened will never change. The course makes participants realise that change is gradual. It addresses the belief that they are the only ones experiencing separation and divorce. Most church pulpits do not address separation and divorce, and the “God hates divorce” theme brings condemnation and shame.

As someone deeply involved in the programme, how do you approach providing support to participants in a way that is both compassionate and effective?

We provide support through prayer, counselling (some of the facilitators are qualified counsellors), WhatsApp groups, listening, and giving space for participants to grieve their losses.

What are some key lessons or insights you’ve personally gained from your involvement with Restored Lives over the years?

I have learned about the shift from pain to restoration, the importance of putting words to negative feelings (separating facts and feelings), the resilience of people, and the skills and insights gained from the course to cope with life. I have also seen the uniqueness of each participant’s journey and story.

This article first appeared in Direction Magazine. For further details, please click here.