Peacemakers... not peacekeepers!

Ishbel Straker

In the post-Christmas slump, Ishbel Straker explores why we need to choose courageous honesty over quiet harmony.

For many, the period after Christmas can bring a mix of emotions. While some enter the new year energised and hopeful, others may feel drained after a family-filled holiday.

The festive season often brings people together who don’t usually spend so much time in close quarters. As a result, old dynamics can resurface, emotions can run high, and relationships can become strained.

January, then, can be a time for reflection, and for piecing relationships back together. But what does this process look like for those in ministry or pastoral care?

When I raise this question, people often respond with, “We are called to be peacemakers.” That’s true, but there is an important distinction between being a peacemaker and a peacekeeper.

A peacekeeper may prioritise harmony at all costs, suppressing tension to avoid conflict. This can feel safe in the moment, but it often comes at a psychological cost. Suppressed emotions don’t disappear, they internalise.

Over time, unspoken frustrations and unresolved hurts can manifest as anxiety, low mood, or even depression. We carry the weight of unaddressed tension in our minds and bodies, which slowly erodes emotional well-being.

A peacemaker, on the other hand, seeks genuine peace through honesty, courage, and reconciliation. Peacemaking invites open dialogue, acknowledges pain, and works toward understanding and healing. Though it may initially feel uncomfortable, this process helps reduce emotional burdens and promotes psychological integration, aligning what we feel, with what we say and do. This kind of congruence is vital for mental health.

Being a peacemaker rather than a peacekeeper is not only a spiritual calling, it’s a mental health necessity. True peace requires courage, communication, and compassion, not avoidance.

When ministers model this kind of honest engagement, they foster communities that are emotionally resilient, spiritually authentic, and mentally healthy. The goal isn’t to avoid tension but to transform it, turning disruption into dialogue, and discomfort into the deeper peace.

5 peacemaking tools

Below are some simple but powerful tools to help ministers and pastoral leaders guide others through relational healing and genuine peacemaking.

Listen, validate, and reframe

When someone comes to you upset or hurt, begin with three steps. First, listen, giving full attention without interruption or correction. Second, validate, acknowledging emotion, with responses like “That sounds painful,” or “I can see why you’d feel that way.” Third, reframe, gently shifting perspective by asking “What might peace look like here?” or “How could grace be shown in this situation?”

Pause, pray, process (a trauma-informed mindfulness approach)

When conflict or strong emotion arises, either in yourself or others, use three simple steps. First, notice what’s happening in your body, tight chest, racing heart, tense jaw. Then pray, offering a grounding prayer to reconnect to focus. Finally, process things by later reflection, through journalling, quiet time, or talking with a trusted peer, before re-engaging.

Healthy communication: non-violent communication

Use a structured, compassionate manner of speaking and listening, observe without judgment: “When I noticed that meeting became heated…”. Express feelings: “I felt concerned that we were misunderstanding each other.” State needs: “I need to ensure everyone feels respected.” Make a request: “Could we take a short break and revisit this calmly?”

Boundaries and containment

As a minister, remember you are a facilitator of peace, not its enforcer. Know your limits – you cannot mediate every issue. Model healthy boundaries: “I care deeply about this, but I can’t make that decision for you.” Encourage accountability and shared responsibility.

Reflective journalling and spiritual debriefing

Encourage yourself and others to reflect on questions like, What emotions am I feeling right now, physically, emotionally, spiritually? What am I avoiding, and why? Where might God be inviting healing or reconciliation?

Referral and partnership

Being a peacemaker doesn’t mean being a therapist. When someone’s distress is persistent, displaying ongoing anxiety, depression, or trauma symptoms, gently suggest they speak with a GP, counsellor, or Christian psychologist.

This article first appeared in Direction Magazine. For further details, please click here.